Comparing Horniness, Phantom Orgasms & More

By Dr. Hernando Chaves

old flames burning
Dear Doc,

I met the love of my life in high school, which eventually evolved into a long distance military relationship. After the military, she went off to school, which eventually ended things when she became distant and pushed me away. I was devastated, but I learned to get over it through time. Since that incident, I have been in numerous relationships, all with the same ending... bad. The trouble is that I compare every girl I meet since then with her and they don't hold a candle to her. After 13 years apart, she contacted me on Facebook and said she was married, has two children and she didn't want to live without me, but doesn’t want to leave them. I tried to do the sensible thing and explain to her that we should not converse anymore and to live her life as it is. I explained to her that I was not going to be a long distance "booty call" for her or just to have a "one last time" roll in the hay. I don't want to be the bad guy in this, but I have said to her on numerous occasions that she needed to make a choice because I wasn't going to wait forever. (Since speaking with her it has cost me another relationship that was about a year old). What should I do at this point? I need help ASAP.

-Travis L., Longmeadow, MA

Let’s be honest, it sounds like you are waiting forever. Her memory is affecting your life and your past/present relationships. Even after a painful breakup, 13 years of distance and expressing a desire to have you on the side and maintain her married/family life, you’re still keeping her around. Why? I have no doubt she is beautiful and amazing, but she hurts you. She has a pattern of putting her own needs before yours and it makes you feel like crap. It’s time to start putting your own needs first and doing what’s best for you. Right now, she is choosing her life with you on the side. Don’t you want someone who chooses you to be in their life? You deserve more than being the side dish, you deserve to be the main course. Sometimes doing the right thing for us hurts the most. She’s trying to have her cake and eat it too and that’s not fair to you or her family.

is she having an orgasm?
Hey Doctor Chaves,

I just lost my virginity last Friday and had some questions. I don’t know if my girlfriend is having orgasms. She tells me that it feels good but she seems to have no physical reactions at all. I can't feel any sort of muscle contractions, her breathing hardly quickens, and she doesn't make any noises. She says she has never orgasmed from sex so when we have sex she doesn't know if she orgasms or not, she said she thinks she might have one of the times we did it but she isn't sure. As far as she knows she has only orgasmed when she masturbates. She tells me she feels bad about having sex or doing any sort of sexual activities. My girlfriend isn't very open with her feelings, has a very low self-esteem and never makes decisions for herself. I want to make sure this won't hinder our relationship in any way. Please help.

-Luke R., Columbus, OH

Sexually active a week and already wanting to learn more; I remember just being happy I was getting laid. According to your description, it doesn’t sound like she knows if she’s had an orgasm or what an orgasm really feels like. Most people would say they could identify the muscular contractions and the familiar feeling of orgasm. But let’s leave the big “O” out of this for now. The important piece is she’s telling you she feels bad about having sex. People who feel bad about being sexually active often have mental blocks to sexual pleasure and comfort. Whether it’s previous sexual experiences, family influence, religious reasons, or a conservative upbringing, something is inhibiting her ability to feel comfortable with her choice to have sex. Also, her difficulty expressing herself and the low self-esteem you identified tell me she may have some personal issues to work through that might be contributing to her sexual discomfort. A good sex therapist can help her work on the sexual comfort issues and her personal difficulties that might be related. I’d encourage her to seek a sex therapist (www.aasect.com) if she’s willing. I know you’re excited about sex and I applaud your desire to enhance your sexual relationship and your partner’s experience.

men’s desire versus women’s
Dear Doctor Chaves,

How much sexual desire do females have, when compared to males? I know it depends, but generally, how much? There is a common belief in my society that males' "sexual" drive is higher than that of the females' and biologically the testosterone levels in both males and females indicate that males should have more desire for sex than females. But on the internet almost on every site I've checked till now, it says that females want it as much as males, so I don’t know what to believe. Which is right? Your help in solving this mystery will be very much appreciated, thanks in advance.

From a medical perspective, most studies have shown that testosterone increases sex drive. Doctors can prescribe “T” to men and women with low testosterone levels to help increase libido. Also, men have much higher levels of “T” on average (Males: 300 to1000 ng/dL; Females: 20 to 80 ng/dL). Does that mean men should always be hornier than women? Well, maybe if we lived in a test tube, but we don’t. But then, how do we explain the insatiable sexual appetite of some females?

There’s much more to our sexual desire and even more that affects it. There is an interconnected relationship between our bodies (biology), minds (psychology) and environment (sociology) that affects sexual desire in men and women. Things like poor diet, stress, lack of exercise, mental health issues, medications, age, breakups, and relationship problems each can change our desire regardless of our gender. Who would you guess might have a higher sex drive: the guy who just got dumped, stressed out at his job, eats fast food every day, has low self-esteem, and poor body image or the woman in a secure relationship, who likes her job, eats healthy, is confident in herself, does yoga daily, and doesn’t feel controlled by society’s expectations? It’s likely she’ll have more sexual desire, but he’ll have higher levels of “T.”

Also, historically there has been more permission in society for males to be sexual than women (it’s a double standard) as females fight to assert themselves as sexual beings today. The female equal rights movement and the sexual revolution have helped women gain more freedom and permission to express their innate sexual desire and fantasies. Yeah, sexual responsiveness is not an exact science and it gets complicated, but I’d say it’s a combination of biopsychosocial factors that men and woman both have to deal with when it comes to sexual desire.

looking beat-up down there
Hi there,

I am wondering if there is any relationship between a girl having beef curtains and having lots of sex? Why does a girls pussy lips look so beat-up sometimes? Does that get worse over time for any reason? Thank you.

S.L., Sacramento, CA

Beef curtains? Nice wording, Romeo. Genes are going to be the biggest factor on how a woman’s labia will appear. As far as I know, there’s no correlation between having lots of sex and permanently enlarged labia. There are virgins with larger lips and women with hundreds of partners with labia that look the same as they did in their teen years. From a short-term perspective, labia can become swollen from rough sex, clothing irritation, friction, hair removal, or infection, but generally this isn’t permanent. Some parts of the vulva, including the labia and the vagina, can stretch and become altered more permanently as a result of pregnancy and childbirth.

Kegel exercises help and are recommended after childbirth to strengthen/tighten the muscles around the vulva. Some women feel so strongly about their labia appearance they choose to surgically alter them with labiaplasty. What guys and girls should know is that genital appearance and body image are touchy subjects for most girls, so be sensitive to it. Also, labia vary in size, shape, color, texture, and appearance. Designer vulvas from porn and magazines are unrealistic and not the norm, and most guys will like what’s in your panties if they like you. Personally, I never met a vulva I didn’t like.



source: askmen.com